Thursday, March 6, 2008

So, I Farted at Work.

It was a bad week all around. I was home to some heinous germ that caused a cough, headaches, and uncontrollable gas. You know the type. You also know that holding in said gas causes the worst stomach cramps and aches imaginable, therefore I had to find a stealth way to release the gas while i was at work. Within a day I had trained the muscles in my ass to release the farts in complete silence, only allowing my ass to relax and audibly produce flatulance when I was sitting at the front desk completely alone.
Day two was not so smoothe. When I went to sort the daily mail that morning, disaster struck. I farted. I farted LOUD. And it wasn't just any ld fart, it was a motor fart. The worst possible species of fart next to WET motor fart that one could release in a public place or around co-workers. I stood completely still, my body rigid from the shock of it all, and I realized that someone was behind me. Far too horrified to turn, I still to this day do not know for sure who heard this incredible release of gas, but I do have my speculations. There was an asian guy with dreadlocks in accounting who gave me guilty embarassed looks every time he walked past the front desk. I had taken my place as the gross receptionist who had a nasty cold and farted freely in the office, seemingly without shame.
I had to continue to go about my duties trying to ignore it, assuming that we were all adult enough to just let it go...but still... I fucking farted in the office. Needless to say, I resigned that position and left that job shortly thereafter. I didn't even return to pick up my iPod speakers.

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