Thursday, March 6, 2008

Maybe I Should've Gone With The Fruit Flavor.

It wasn’t my first kiss, it was his. We’d been “dating” by the high school definition for a week or two and only a few innocent pecks had been exchanged. We’d done some seriously hardcore hand-holding, and he’d done an extremely generous amount of book-carrying, so it was time to reward him with a little tongue-on-tongue action. Seeing as how this was to be his very first frenching experience, I wanted to plan it out just right. Friday night was date night so I went gum shopping that Thursday. I perused Cub Grocery’s extensive gum selection for at least 45 minutes trying to choose between fruity or minty, all the while cursing the gods that I couldn’t sample the flavors for a more educated decision. I finally decided on a classic spearmint gum and rushed home to begin the agonizing process of choosing a date outfit. This was November in Minnesota, which does not leave much room for cute and sexy, seeing as how every inch of flesh needs to be covered to ward off frostbite, wind burn, and potential hypothermia. Dating in extreme conditions such as these requires great skill. I settled on some sweater or another and called it a night; I needed my beauty sleep.
The date itself was as uneventful as they come. We chose a horrible romantic comedy, shared popcorn and a soda, and held hands. Little did my adorable date know that this would be the night our tongues would be introduced and intertwined. Oh, the excitement! The drive home seemed painfully long. I kept up conversation nervously, chewing my minty gum, praying to the sweet Lord that he didn’t notice how antsy I was. Of course, being of the male species, he was completely oblivious to what was running through my head.
Finally we reached my driveway. He pulled in and parked the car. I glanced at him for a moment, trying to give him that “come-hither” stare, but instead looked like a crazed maniac.
“Um…are you okay?” He asked politely.
“Hold this,” I responded in my most dramatic and sultry tone of voice as I pulled the wad of gum out of my mouth and dropped it in the palm of his hand. Our eyes locked and I leaned in for what was sure to be an earth-shattering first kiss. But as I leaned in I realized that we were both picking up speed, careening toward each other at an unstoppable pace and all of a sudden our teeth smacked together with an audible crack. We jerked our heads back in shock and for a few moments shared a stunned silence. That’s when I felt it coming. The awkward, uncontrollable laughter. I tried to stop it but it came spewing out like vomit. Before I could control myself I was laughing so hard I had tears streaming down my face. My date sat there patiently, waiting to see if we were going to give it another go, but I was clearly in no state to proceed. I absolutely could not get a hold of myself. I had to flee.
“I’m sorry,” I chuckled, “but we’re just going to have to try this another time!”
I exited the vehicle like a bat out of hell and left him in the driveway…still holding my gum.

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