That Was a Dandy.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Wait...what?

So I caught an episode of True Life on MTV today focusing on people with a second life on the internet. The show followed three people, but there was one girl in particular that just boggled my mind.

Meet Judy.

She's an 18 year old senior in high school. She moved out of her house and decided to finish her schooling at home. She has a host of social anxiety disorders and phobias. She rarely leaves her apartment. Her internet life consists of blogging (which, what the hell could you possibly have to blog about if you don't leave your home?) and removing her clothes for a paying audience of internet pervs.


I'm confused. You are horrified by a trip to the grocery store because you're convinced that everyone is staring at you, but you'll get tits and ass naked on the web for literally millions of people? Don't get me wrong, i could care less who gets nekked on their web cam, i am merely fascinated that someone with severe social anxiety is comfortable rocking the internet porn scene.


Be careful who you meet on the internet. She could be an 18 year old socially handicapped highschooler dabbling in soft core porn.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

A Walk Down Memory Lane.

I was perusing the web last week and I happened upon an old blog of mine circa 2002. Don't get your hopes up, I am under no circumstances revealing the internet location of said blog. I was in high school, my writing skills were complete tripe, and the content was appalling. It lead me to ask myself this question:

Why do we bitch so much more during the times when we have so little to bitch about? Are we *that* bored?

Believe you me, I have PLENTY that I could be bitching about at the present moment but I am restraining myself on behalf of all three of my readers (one of them being myself). Furthermore, I know that bitching on a blog isn't going to accomplish anything other than losing my other two readers.

Monday, May 12, 2008

Gone Fishing?

Jesus H. So i am looking for a subletter for my house in Dinkytown this summer. Naturally, i have posted ads on Facebook and Craig's List. I was sketched out posting on Craig's List in the first place and then i got this email.

Hello,
I'm Colly Dave of smith Ventures from United Kingdom.I came across your profile for your place to be rented out.I am interested in renting your place for my neice who will be coming to the US.Please answer my following questions below:
1) I will like to know if your appartment is still available
2) I will like to know the rent fee per month and if you require deposit.
3) I want to know if you accept cashier check for payment so I can make an advance payment before her arrival that will stand as commitment
4) Lastly, I will like to know more about you.
I will be very glad to have all this questions answered.
NOTE;REPLY TO collysmith2006@gmail.com

Hope to hear from you soon
Best Regards
Colly

Horrifying grammar mistakes aside, it's not such a far fetched story. I emailed back asking a few questions about the potential subletter and how we would handle the situation considering the fact that we wouldn't get a chance to meet before she moved in. This is the email i got back:

Hello Amanda ,
Thanks for your response.Its okay by me and am paying 3 months rent upfront.My neice name is sarah kelly.She is 22 years old student of Universty of East London.she is responsible,neat,non-smoker and easy going.I will send you my US cashier cheque of $3650 which i bought the last time i visited U.S.I am sending you that much money because my dad is very sick at the moment and i need to go out of town to take care of him and i need to go with all the money i have with me because i dont know how much money am going to spend for his hospital bill and take care of neccessary things.The cashier cheque is for US which is cashable at your bank and its not cashable here in UK.I made promise to my neice that if she performs very well in her Final year exams in the University that am going to send her to the US for her vacation.she has performed very well and i dont want to dissapoint her.So once you receive cashier cheque,take it to the bank and cash it,remove the 3 months rent payment and Send the balance down to my neice through western union money transfer so she can buy her ticket and buy necessary things she will need to bring along because i will be away from town to take care of my dad because he is sick at the moment.Send me your name, address and phone number so i can write the cheque payable to your name.

Hope to hear from you as soon as possible so i can send the cheque to you before i leave town to my dad's place

Regards

Colly

Can you say MONEY LAUNDERING?! Good lord! Thank god i have half a brain and didn't fall for this crap. Needless to say i wrote back explaining that my roomates and i were not comfortable with this transaction and her niece was going to have to find a different living situation. Sketchy as hell, but a little bit exciting!

Word to the wise; If you want to successfully launder some money, avoid these two things:

1) A sob story about your sick dad

2) The words: CASHIER'S CHECK.

My years as a Rochester, NY drug lord and mafia boss have trained me for these types of things.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

My Cat is the Cutest.


this is Calypso. She likes it when i sing her Ella Fitzgerald songs and dangle a catnip mouse in front of her sweet little nose. She is the greatest cat ever. You are green with envy.

Monday, April 7, 2008

Zoo Porn.

Be very careful bringing your young children to the zoo. I captured this video today on my cell phone at the Como Park Zoo in St. Paul, Minnesota. It is epic. Viewer Discretion is Advised.


video

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Horror On The Jersey Turnpike.

Diarrhea. Even the word sounds disgusting. Pair it up with a six hour car ride from New Jersey to Upstate New York. Complete Entrapment. And when it hits you there is no stopping it. You know the feeling. It starts with your stomach rumbling, speaking to you, desperately trying to warn you that something utterly horrifying is on its way to your colon. You pass it off as gas, neglecting the signs as you fart toward your impending doom. I entered the car in my comfiest jeans and all of my snacks lined up, iPod set to the perfect tunes, ready for an easy ride back upstate. Forty five minutes pass. I start to feel an urge, but think i'll be able to control it. Thirty more seconds pass and i feel my face begin to heat up. Ten more and i am sweating. Five more and i am screaming at my mother to pull over. I grab a handful of tissues from my purse and make a mad dash for a tree-laden embankment a few yards ahead. Unbuttoning my jeans as i run i, devise my defecation plan. When i finally reach a spot where i will be well hidden i drop down into crab stance and kick off my jeans. that's when i let it go. i let it all go. It kept coming for what felt like forever before i finally finished. Cleaning my hands with a bottle of travel mouth wash i got back into the car, one giant crap released, and in its place, an incredible story.

Friday, March 28, 2008

Canada Has Hicks, Too!


I'm pretty sure I have witnessed this scene several times on my drives out to South Dakota...

Toronto police announced in February that they had arrested the man who had stolen a backhoe with the intention of driving it to a car wash in order to break down a wall and get at the facility's coin machine. The call to police came from a snow plow that was hot on the backhoe's heels, the driver having diverted from his route to chase the thief. [Toronto Star, 2-13-08]

amazing.